Basin

I wanted to write a letter,
But that seemed too formal for our affair.
Wanted to do as he'd done
Look back and find the semblance
Reasons
And acknowledgements of those things which freshly haunt
Of those who
Seek the light
And the fact that you, unlike anyone else,
Enabled
Because, as you stated,
You always had a preference for females
(Thanks for the confirmation of me being an afterthought)....

I wanted to write you a letter
While you still breathe
Not for closure, but to witness any thought of hope fade
In our understanding each other;
This monster you created in me
Has no more tears to shed
Has no more heart to break
Devoid of all longing
It has nothing left
Other than to feed upon itself
A continuous self-sustaining act
Which allows me to exist
Somewhere on the borders of heaven and hell;
Purgatory maybe?

That just makes me come off as adolescent
Yes
But my gaping wound will not close to heal.
Even if you did right by me from beyond the grave
I have enough years to haunt me
Remind me
No amount of breath
No amount of characters scribed
Or verses memorized from your god to mine
Could polish the shit you perpetrated so willingly.

Once you assumed I would take your offer
That I was afraid of the world you were ready to cast me out into
Unprepared
(Purposefully perhaps?)
But I left anyways
Stumbled over and over again
Until I was myself
A man
Sitting here now trying his best to thank a person
Who never once genuinely seemed thankful for him,
A consolation
Pacification of sorts
Still waiting...

I guess I'll just take the next flight out.
©2014clarencecbess